


find what you love and let it kill you

by Rogertaylorsdrumstick



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, More in the summary, Sorry?, lovers to friends typa shit, this is like really sad, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23119924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rogertaylorsdrumstick/pseuds/Rogertaylorsdrumstick
Summary: John and Freddie were inseparable as children. It wasn't really a surprise when the pair finally made it official, but as time moves them, does their love stay the same?
Relationships: John Deacon/Freddie Mercury
Kudos: 16





	find what you love and let it kill you

_"Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it's much better to be killed by a lover."_

In a small part of London when the name Freddie was said, the name John soon followed. The pair were practically inseparable from elementary, and really it was not much of a surprise to anyone when the two decided to be a couple during the fall of their sophomore year. And from then on anyone who so much as looked at the couple could really feel the love John and Freddie had for each other. The couple never really fought, and if they did it was simply petty and would soon be forgotten within minutes. 

This brings us to their senior year, which is heartbreaking, really. Freddie had gotten the opportunity to go to a college in New York on a music scholarship. Which he took, begrudgingly. Do not get him wrong, Freddie was excited as all hell, yet something about leaving John, his love, put a sour taste in his mouth. John spent most of his time trying to get Freddie excited, even though the thought of Freddie being so far away from him for such a long time made him sick to his stomach. However, he felt it was a bit wrong to try and talk him out of following his dreams, and John knew that his boyfriend would love it the second he stepped foot into the big apple. Freddie thrived off of adrenaline, and New York would provide him with the adrenaline and energy he needed, at least more than the small little country town he lurked in now. John had to make sure his boyfriend felt confident that, he would not crumble to pieces as soon as he stepped on the plane, that would just be another worry for Freddie, among the many others that the older boy had about moving away. So John tried his best to be strong, while relishing in the time, he got to spend with the older boy.

One of the sadder moments the two spent together was nearing the end of May, and Freddie's departure. The two laid on John's porch one afternoon, after their graduation. John had his head on Freddie's chest letting the older man gently run a hand through his long wavy hair and mindlessly play with the straps of John's overalls, as the younger listened to the gentle rain, and the quiet heartbeat coming from Freddie's chest, he was going to miss this. He was lost in his own depressing thoughts before he heard Freddie sigh, the sound almost silent, but John felt it, as he was lying atop the man. Before he had a moment to question it, Freddie was already speaking. "Would you forget me, John?"

John's heart skipped a beat, well it was more of a drop, but not in the way it would if Freddie had told him he would stay in London with him, more of in a soul crushing way, like the reality of Freddie's departure had truly just then settled in. It felt just like the moment his father said goodbye for the last time as he lay on the hospital bed. "Oh Freddie, I could never. The only way i could forget you, is if i had forgotten myself or died," He met Freddie's dark brown eyes, letting him know he was serious. "You are drilled into my mind like a screw in glass, you couldn't be out of my mind for a second, even if you're gone there will always be a hole where you used to stand, leaving cracks in my being. I will be so shattered without you Freddie." 

And there it was, John had accidentally let out the dramatics, he just hoped he hadn't caused another worry for Freddie, however instead of responding Freddie wiped the tears from John's glossy emerald eyes before planting a gently kiss on his lovers lips. There was no heat behind it, only pure emotion, so much so that by the time they pulled away the pair had broken down into sobs, holding onto each other so tightly they were sure they would die if they were to be separated. 

"I love you." They whispered simultaneously, as they drifted to sleep on the porch that night. 

* * *

The morning of Freddie's flight, John felt like he was about to leave for a funeral. He couldn't sleep that night, he found himself thinking instead. He couldn't help but think about having a moment like he's seen on all of those old romance movies his mother had made him watch with her every weekend. Where at the very last moment the main character changes their mind and decides that they simply cannot leave their love, so they put their dreams aside and seal the deal with an overdramatic kiss, and the movie ends with fireworks and a marriage. But it was nothing like that.

The weather very much mirrored everyone's mood that day, it was a dreary day. The sun was nowhere in sight, so much so that if John hadn't checked the time so often that morning he would be sure it was midnight. So as he rode with his mum to meet up with the Bulsaras, he found himself selfishly praying for rain, or for the weather to be as bad as the clouds made it seem like it should be, so that Freddie’s flight would be cancelled, or at the very least delayed. However it did not seem like that was going to happen anytime soon much to John's dismay. 

As they arrived, John gave his mum's hand a squeeze as the first tear left his eye. She looked over, and gave him a look of pity before softly stroking his pink cheek. "Oh my dearest, it's alright love," She gave his head a kiss as he laid it on her shoulder when the sobs began. "It's okay my sweet, he'll be back soon, and you two can talk on the phone once a month. Remember what we talked about love?" She picked his head up with an index finger under his chin til their eyes connected, "You have to be strong for him, you can't upset him love, it may not seem like it, but this is going to be worse on him, he doesn't know anyone there. So take a deep breath and let us go join them for breakfast."

It was harder than his mother made it seem, but after a few moments John had finally managed to pull himself together before they walked into the Bulsara residence. Jer was the first to greet them, giving Lillian a hug before, doing the same to John except giving him a soft kiss to the cheek to calm him. John then quickly gave Bomi a hug before rushing towards the dining room where Freddie was sat, just staring at the door. When he saw John he bounced out of his seat and without a word giving John a rough kiss, it had the same feeling as the one that night on John's porch reminding both of them, that they simply cannot forget each other.

No one ate much for breakfast that morning.

At the airport, the couple stayed attached to one another, like two souls sharing a body, until Freddie's flight had been called out for departure. There was a quick exchange of hugs, kisses, and sappy words that the two had said a million times before that moment, but this time the words had so much meaning attached to them. John could never forget the way Freddie's lips felt on his as they left the airport. It was still a dull tingle as he got into his mums car, yet he could not quite stop himself from touching his lips, as a reminder that they would not be able to do that for a while. But it also made him dream about how sweet it would be when they do get to reunite.

For the rest of the day John sat silently on his porch, in the same overalls he had on that night him and Freddie vowed to never forget each other. He just watched the crows fly around under the grey curtain that was the sky. He couldn't eat, or really do much, but that night he slept on the porch. The wind howled, the roosters crowed, and even the dogs were barking, it seemed he wasn't the only one missing Freddie that night, it seemed like the whole town were haunted by someone who was still living.

* * *

The first year was very rough on John, he felt himself cracking. He didn't eat as much as he used to causing his mother alarm with his loss of weight, it wasn't too much, but it certainly wasn't what she was used to. She also found him isolating himself more often, but only when Freddie had not wrote or called in a while. When he was at his happiest, usually it was after reading a letter from Freddie or on the phone with him. Lilian was concerned, but she figured it would only get better as Freddie's graduation came closer. 

John never told his mother much about the letters or the phone calls, but Freddie seemed to really like it up there. He had made so many friends and he even joined a band that performed every friday. Something selfish inside of John felt sad, what if Freddie never wanted to come back to him.

By the second year, Freddie’s phone calls had stopped, making the dread in John's heart grow. He would ask the Bulsara house hold if they knew what was going on, but they had gone back to Zanzibar since Kashmira was off at a boarding school. However the very few letters he received kept him holding on to a futile sense of hope, he could feel was going to bring him nowhere but down. That October was strangely cold.

* * *

Just around July of the second year John had a trip planned, he was going to surprise Freddie at his bands concert that friday. He hadn't been sending notes lately which John found odd, but blamed it on the rising fame of Freddie’s band, he was surely too busy for note writing to a silly little high school boyfriend in rural London. 

It was currently wednesday, his flight left Thursday morning so he would get there in the evening, giving him just enough time to look around New York and find the place Freddie was performing, so he wouldn't have to risk not being able to find it friday. 

As he rushed around his room packing his bag he found himself tearing up, Freddie didn't seem to want him anymore. Why the hell would he, he could get anyone else in New York, there are all types of people up there in New York, why did John ever believe that Freddie would wait for him. He felt so foolish for making himself believe that.

As he boarded his flight that thursday though, a new sense of excitement rushed through him, he had never been out of London. His heart began to beat at a new speed, this was it, he was going to see Freddie again. He was going to have his cheesy romance movie moment, Freddie was going to dip him with a kiss, people would cheer, and Freddie would say that with all his new money and fame, he now had enough room for John in his apartment. He was really getting ahead of himself here, but at least it made the nearly nine hour flight rush by. 

John nearly could not focus at all as he went through customs, and got his bags amongst other things. As he finally reached the door he just wanted to run, which would never be realistic, he would not know where he was going. He had to take a moment just to look around him, there were so many people. He had never seen so many people in his life, he almost felt overwhelmed and he had not even left the airport yet. Once he had managed to calm his nerves his next move was to find a taxi, or bus or, whatever he just needed to get to his hotel.

Soon enough he did, and once he was there he just sat on the bed. It was nothing like his room at home. The room was strangely clean, it felt almost like a hospital. For the first few hours he was there he just looked out of the window, he had never seen anything like it, it had this sort of magic about it, no wonder Freddie loved it. Much like his boyfriends personality, the city seemed so alive and filled with a sort of energy that could make you stay up days on end just watching the people and cars passed by, as bright lights flashed from billboards in times square. And while it made his heart feel slightly at ease, there was still a Freddie sized hole making his insides feel depressingly hollow. John just was not himself without Freddie.

* * *

As friday night rolled around, John dressed himself in a white button up, black dress slacks, topped off with a pair of red and black striped suspenders. He gave a turn in the mirror with an excited squeak before he began the walk towards the small concert hall near Freddie's school. There was an extra spring in his step as he made his way there, and sat in the very front row holding his small bouquet of flowers he bought the night before. 

John's heart felt like it was going to explode as he watched Freddie perform with his band, tears of joy were streaming down his face, that was his Freddie. His Freddie was on stage, he seemed like a brand new person. As bad as it was John simply could not wait until the concert was over so he could hug Freddie again. He just wanted to feel Freddie's lips on his again. So as the last note played, John immediately started to make his way over towards the backstage area no one was really waiting there with him, so Freddie would definitely be able to see him first.

However, nothing could ever prepare John for what happened as Freddie walked through that heavy wooden door, that would probably haunt John's nightmares forever, if Freddie's words did not do that enough. 

"Hello dear, would you like a picture or something?" 

It did not sound like Freddie at all and it certainly was not what he expected Freddie to say to him when he first saw him.

"Freddie?" For a split second after John murmured it with a trembling voice, he could swear he saw something deep in Freddie spark, there was a small little glimpse of excitement just for a second though before his otherwise put together act was back in place.

"Yes that's the name darling, don't wear it out. Now autograph? Signature? Something? Chop chop dear i haven't got all day." The older man laughed, but there was nothing funny about it. He was speaking to John as if they had never met and John was just an over eager fan.

And there it was, for the third time in John's life he felt his heart drop so low he might as well have been killed. He felt heat in his eyes, the perfect vision of Freddie blurred by what should have been happy tears, but they far from it. "Please don't do this Freddie. It's John, Freddie." The younger man mumbled with a pleading face and a shaking voice.

"Doesn't ring a bell, have you been to another concert, or have we met outside of the show?" Freddie slid a hand to lie on his own waist and he eyed John carefully.

John could not bring himself to stand there a second longer, he had never felt so hollow in his life, he wanted to feel hurt, but he just could not feel anything. He gave all of his love to Freddie for it to end like that. John all but ran back to his hotel and immediately called for a taxi to bring him back to the airport, he wanted to go home. He wanted to be as dead as he felt. Freddie had killed him, metaphorically, but it felt all the same. He would have died twice in one lifetime. 

* * *

When the plane landed back down in London, John did not even wait a second before hopping into the first bus he saw going back to his house, the only hope he had left was that his mum and sister would be asleep. And sure enough they were, the pair were fast asleep in the master bedroom. John felt a warm tear run down his cheek as he walked towards the bed and whispered a quiet, "I love the both of you, more than you will know." Before walking back to his room and getting his keys.

He did not forget to bring a spare piece of paper and the blue, slightly chewed pen that had stayed in his kitchen for years. Hopping in his car he turned the radio all the way down and gave himself a look in the rearview mirror, he laughed humorlessly. 'A dead man walking' he thought to himself before heading towards the tallest bridge he could find in London. He drove slowly, but as he saw the perfect bridge he accelerated, before hitting a sudden stop and parking. 

The tears were flowing freely as he walked towards the, bridge, of all of the things that could have killed him, at least this one felt good for a while. Before he knew it he found himself standing over the ledge of the bridge, he scribbled down a sorry excuse for a note, putting a rock on top to avoid it flying away, before he let gravity play god.

If someone were to be outside that night, they would first see that the night sky was perfectly clear and the moon full. The silence made the death of John Deacon sound louder than it really was, but there was no mistaking the sound of a scream and splashing of water for anything other than a tragic end to a soul. He had lived and died by love what a dangerous thing. 

The only remains left of the man who used to be was the note, left scribbled on it being, 'This is the only way i could forget you Freddie, but somehow i think you will still be on my mind in the grave - john r.d.'

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :')
> 
> kudos and comments are v much appreciated 
> 
> come yell at me for writing this on insta @roger.taylors.drumstick
> 
> & you can make requests on my tumblr :) @freddiesfreak


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